i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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