i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
COCAINE IS GR8
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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