Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
