On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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