I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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