I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
