she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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