She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
