New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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