Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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