We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
