ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
