you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
