you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
