I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Randomize
