He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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