I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
