I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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