u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
