im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
