I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
