vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
