Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
