I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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