I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
