why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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