I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
