My nipple is on Facebook.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
