Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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