yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
