Ambien. No doubt about it.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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