She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
