I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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