he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
