Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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