Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
