remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
