i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
