Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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