The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
