Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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