just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
