I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
