apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
