my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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