Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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