also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
