Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
