How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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