They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
There's always time for handjobs
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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