this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
