Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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